In 1991, I graduated college with a nice degree, a future job that would pay me handsomely, and a healthy conviction that small government, tax reductions and Christian values were the right cocktail for “good living” in the United States.
I listened some to Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and other conservative talking heads. I dabbled in groups like the College Republicans, advocated a conservative (mostly fiscal) agenda and even voted for Republicans up and down the ticket a few times.
I gave to George W. Bush’s campaign in 2000 and cast a vote for him. I watched the cable “news” with interest when the hanging chads got counted and breathed a sigh of relief when Bush won. I thought we were on the road to a better America than with eight more years of Bill Clinton-itis, and the aftermath of a scandal, impeachment and some bad foreign policy.
I even wrote an article or two for our college newsrag at the time, bemoaning rampant government spending and the debt, our future with the “unchecked” rise of radical Islam, and questioned Hillary Clinton’s “shady” connections with transactions in Arkansas and Washington DC, and why and how Democrats could look the other way and deny that the Clintons were “never clean”, “played dirty politics”, and on and on.
Then 9/11 happened. Then Afghanistan and Iraq happened. And bad fiscal policy like tax rebates, and the mega-expansion of the federal bureaucracy with the creation of the duct tape and color chart DHS happened. Then the lurch to the right and attacks on gays and lesbians (my friends, and family, and neighbors) happened. And Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity and Rush were still never wrong, at least in their own minds, and became the patriot police, and I started wondering if third graders had more humility, honesty and ability to admit mistakes than these con artists. And Dick Cheney decided to drown brown people for spite and the myth of coughing up information. And the DOJ started listening in on everyone, and following everyone, and creating new super secret Courts that weren’t Courts. And we started talking about watching mosques, and keeping the Feds off of our machine guns and rocket launchers, and the vote started getting stripped away from the Left and gerrymandered to the Right.
And in 2006 — far too late and far too slowly — I recognized something that has guided my life ever since. I was flat out wrong.
Since then, I have been a stalwart supporter, advancer and vocal advocate for social justice, protection of voting rights, opposing unapproved, secretly plotted and deadly/costly wars, especially against one particular “scary” religion in one particular oil-rich region. I have worked tirelessly, in person and on social media, to convince, sway, and reposition my former conservative friends from increasingly radical views and unConstitutional political positions. To support the SPLC, the ACLU and other organizations I believe in who do tireless work to protect those who are too easily attacked and suppressed. I have marched for my LGBTQ friends and family, raised three progressive, open-minded and fact seeking children, participated in now 14 GOTV operations across 7 states, signed countless petitions and penned numerous personal letters to my representatives in support of sensible gun control, protection of the social safety net, upholding civil and voting rights, and getting rid of this current stain on our history and Democracy. I have avidly followed and supported this site, to my best count have now “converted” at least three to four dozen former conservatives and independents to think and vote progressive — positions and candidates.
In the end, I cannot change the fact I grew up in a military family in a staunchly conservative section of Northern Virginia, under the “tutelage” of my Catholic, church-going pseudo-fascist Fox viewing parents, who to this day think that a penny of tax is too much, and that MSNBC is a cult network. I can’t help that I saw big business as the means to a better life, big paychecks and five bedroom houses as the only goal that mattered coming out of school. And I can’t help that no one really explained to me what I was really seeing, and what was really going on, when at the same time Ronald Reagan was being sworn into office, gas lines were finally going down and the hostages were finally coming home. That was what got me here. What matters to me, though, is that despite it all, my progressive and compassion bona fides are now intact. That my children got a better home experience, example, lesson in humility/compassion/science/open-mindedness than I did. And that I finally, far too slowly and far too late, figured out that while I was convinced that the “other side” had it all wrong, and my beliefs as a young adult were sound, that in fact, for the most part — I was wrong. And I needed, and very much wanted, to change how I viewed and participated in the world, and what I thought about whom.
It’s really too bad. Because if this world is ever going to be more like the one so many on here envision it COULD be, and if fairness, justice and equality are ever going to become national norms and not distant pipe dreams, these kinds of all too slow and all too frustrating epiphanies and evolutions are going to have to take place. Across a wide swath of Americans, and across many states and towns and cities and social media spaces and schools and country clubs and the like where MANY — far too MANY — things are being written and said and done RIGHT NOW. Photos like the ones taken by Al Franken in jest. Blogs like the ones written by Joy Reid at a different time for whatever reasons. Newspaper op-eds like the one I penned in 1989 where I was convinced that the black community in America was failing us because there were far too many deadbeat dads abandoning families for drugs, moms sitting on porches collecting welfare checks instead of getting jobs, and kids joining gangs and smashing car windows versus going to school. It makes me sick to my stomach that I could think those things, write them and believe them to be true. But I was 19, had the world all figured out, and my parents and radio heroes told me they were true. So there I was.
What makes me so absolutely sad — so helplessly hopeless sometimes — is knowing that for there to ever be a majority in America that recognizes fairness and equality. That comes as a coalition of all colors, sexual orientations, religions (or lack thereof) and economic and ethnic backgrounds. That recognizes and rewards the hard work of scientists AND corporate execs AND teachers AND the military AND pilots AND nurses AND laborers AND librarians AND...equally. That emphasizes the unique and shared significance of one person one vote. That silences the voices of hate, and fear, and discrimination and ignorance. That recognizes the First Amendment over the Second Amendment when little kids’ lives are at stake...
Then we are going to have to accept, understand, acknowledge and get over the fact that many of us — FAR too many — have skeletons in our past that we grew up beyond. That the vast majority of us were never philosophically or characteristically perfect — even close — and that mistakes...sometimes whoppers...were made along the way. That Joy Reid CAN be the one who wrote those things once, for whatever flawed reason, and still can have evolved to a champion for LGBTQ equality and equal rights for everyone. That Al Franken probably did pull some pretty racy stuff along the way when touring as a comic for the troops, and still deep down today respects women, the #metoo movement, understands the significance of “dirty humor” when it’s not reciprocated, and cherishes womens’ rights to not be mistreated or abused. That people write things, and say things and do things, everyday, that do not define them or represent their inner beliefs or quality as a person, but that nonetheless ARE portraits in time of mistaken perspectives, immature world views and yes, even racist, homophobic or biased statements that may have suited a poorly framed argument that should have never been...or a badly formed thought that should never have been shared.
I am far from perfect. Still. So is Joy Reid. And Bernie Sanders. And Barack Obama. And all of us.
And for many of the most “heroic” progressive champions among us — even Martin Luther King Jr. — time and time and time again things will and do turn up that make us pause, take a step back, and question if we really can believe who these people are, what they really think and how we should respond to them. It’s really too bad...even our progressive “heroes” are flawed. And from time to time, we are confronted by those flaws.
It’s really too bad….because lately, when I look around here, and see how so many of us respond and react when one of those skeletons becomes dislodged from its hiding place, and exposed for all to see, I far more often see the focus of scorn pointed directly at the past, and the actions of today pushed far too easily to the background.
It’s really too bad...because I did write that article once. It’s not representative of who I am, what I think, how I raise my children, or what I fight for anymore, but it really was me once, and I can’t take it back.
It’s really too bad that if someone were to dig that up, post it on one of my comments or diaries on here, it might very well define me here forever, drive me away, and chip away another active and committed member of a very committed, very important progressive community.
It’s really too bad. Because holding people to that kind of standard, especially for their mistakes of the past is really never going to get us anywhere in the end.